They CAN, but I CAN'T

Disclaimer: I've been working on this post for two months. So it's a little outdated in spots but the feelings are still the same.

I haven't posted on this yet and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to yet. I struggle with how to phrase this. It hasn't been medically declared and I'm not ready for it to get that far. I want to fix it on it's own, but I'm not quite sure that will happen.

I have had a fear, irrational or not, that I will not be able to have my own children. During high school/college I had several close calls and never got pregnant.

Mr. Corn and I have been off bc for a year officially now. We've actively been trying since January to get pregnant. No luck yet.I made a big mistake and researched on the internet. I know WAY too much now. I don't want to know some of these things. I don't need to know.

I went to the doctor last week (October 2nd). We're taking steps forward to do some testing on Nick and I. This is a new doctor and the first male doctor I've ever seen. Way outta my comfort zone. I really trust him though and I like him. We'll see what happens.

Got our test results. All ok. Thyroid is normal, glucose good, prolactin good. Which is positive news. Nick is good too. "Atta boy" the dr. said. :)

(This is where I left off mid October. The rest is my feelings of the past month.)

This isn't fair. I did things right, or at least semi-right. I got married, had a steady job, a house that was kid appropriate and I can't get pregnant, BUT....

-my brother who has a 13 month old w/ his live in girlfriend, both on welfare and know they're pregnant just by her boobs hurting before she even misses her f'in period...CAN get pregnant

-my cousin in college can get married in December and will have a baby in May...do the math folks...CAN get pregnant.

-a friend who swore she would never have children, decides on a whim that she might want one...CAN get pregnant.

-a friend who wants to enjoy being married for five years before having kids after less than five months...CAN get pregnant.

- a MAN with female reproductive parts can get inseminated at home and get pregnant 3 months after having a baby this same exact way CAN get pregnant.

But me, I have been so good, taking care of myself. Taking my pills, not drinking, eating healthy, etc and I CAN'T get pregnant. I'm so frustrated by all of this.

Yes, it's all happened this past month. I went back to the doctor at the end of last month for an annual and to discuss my options. I'm now on a drug to help with ovulation. It's supposed to make me regular within a month. I'm not sure sit's working. Its got nasty side effects. Not as bad as Clomid, but I'm not sure how long I can handle them. I've got to give it 3 months to declare it not working before going further.

We've taken a baby making break this month. It was a hard decision to make, but one that needed to be made. But I've got hope and things to be grateful for during this time of thanksgiving. I'll post about that tomorrow.